Tuesday, January 4, 2011

You are going to die! Part XXXV

Sometimes people, who should die, don’t. Even sadder when people who want to die and actually try to end their miserable existence, but fail. Like this guy. I mean come on. Not only did he fail in the simplest of tasks, apparently he also tried it before. This is the very essence if failure isn’t it?

I cannot think of anything as pathetic and depressing as trying to commit suicide and fail at it.

And so let me give you some pointers.

First of all, why do you actually want to stay alive? Having fun are we? Think about it for a moment. Have you accomplished anything during your life on this planet? Is it really a good place? How about the starving? The wars? Terrorism? Al Gore? Is that really the sort of stuff that makes you wanna go on living? And how about your own existence. Most of you out there don’t make a real go at it. You sit around eating processed food and watch the latest reality show while politicians rule you supreme and the banking cartels are stealing all your earnings. Don´t you feel depressed? You should, most of you seem to be nibbling on happy pills nowadays. Have a job? Is it fun? Do you really feel you get paid enough? Got raped? Robbed? Have your kid been molested lately?

Aren´t you a little afraid of things? Afraid of swine flu? Alien invasions? And aren´t those kids down the corner doing drugs and so will soon stop by to rob and kill you? How about water? Scary stuff yes. Bees? Open spaces? You know what to do to never be afraid anymore…

Even those of you out there with decent living that never really had any personal catastrophes happen to you – don´t you feel that cancer creeping up? AIDS? You are going to die you know, all of us are, sooner or later, and it can happen at any time. Did you see that truck? If you had walked by the same spot 15sec earlier you´d be dead. Falling popsicles can kill you, insects to, and did you know that the most dangerous place in existence is the very place you lay your hat – your own home. It’s true. A majority of all rapes and all accidents happens within the confines of our homes. It is also one of the things that is likely to kill you. Falling down the stairs, tripping in the shower or choking on an ice-cube when no one is around to help is just some of the million and one ways you could die at home.

Just face it – you are a tiny being living on a tiny planet in the corner of one of billions of galaxies and you live a very short insignificant life that will have no impact whatsoever on a messed up universe. So why go on in the first place? For your kids? Pfffff… if you are so evil that you bring kids into this world, you should die.

With that said I hope I have convinced some of you morons to end a pitiful existence, so let’s also make you aware of some of the best ways to start pushing up daisies.

One good way of making sure of your demise is if you do it with a combination of several things. If you, for example, climb up on that ledge, before you jump make sure you have cut the wrists and nibbled on enough pills to make an elephant drop, then you put a gun to your head so when you pull the trigger your body falls down towards the street. If you survive something like that, bravo, kudos really. Sainthood should be coming your way from the Catholic Church and/or maybe you just discovered that you are a mutant superhero.

Another thing that I just popped into my mind is decapitation. It is hard to go on living without a head attached. There are many ways of sever a head from the body. A sawmill have lots of options, and so does many industries.

How about moving to a small village in Afghanistan, dress as the locals, get up on stilts and call yourself Bin Laden? Or join up with the tens of thousands of refugees fleeing inside Pakistan. US bomb planes and drones will probably find you sooner or later. Make sure to stand next to children and families, apparently a sure way of getting killed by trigger happy Americans.

Whatever your choice, make sure to plan it carefully. If you fail at killing yourself, not only have you discovered another thing you suck at, it would also be really, really pathetic. Do it, just do it, and do it properly thank you.

Me? I love living and would never do anything as stupid as kill myself and as an atheist I will try to make the best of the only life I have. But for most of you, I recommend it, you keep voting for the same gramscofabianazis that will eventually kill you anyway, so why not do it yourself?

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