Sunday, June 14, 2009

A decent sized penis please

Went out shopping the other day but the main reason for this spending spree eluded me all day. First stop Tesco supermarket where I found the shelf with condoms and lubrications straight away but the packages refused to give away any sizes so I turned towards a female employee. She was kind of heavy build and about my age but giggled like an 11y school girl when I asked for her advice in this regard. Mumbling something she stampeded away and came back with an older fattier fish-and-chips woman whom, after telling me basic knowledge like “some are ribbed” and my favorite line of the day: “some are even flavored”, asked me to try the pharmacy. Of course! I should have thought of that straight away.

So I left the two hoved ones and went next door to the pharmacy. Again the same thing; no sizes and a very meager selection. “Can I help you sir?” a voice asked behind me. I turned around not being surprised seeing a dark skinned man of Indian origin since the voice gave it away. I told him I was looking for condoms of the slightly larger variety. The pharmacist told me about the same thing as the small herd at Tesco but also added: “one size fits all”. This last sentence is just fucking wrong. It is not true for those with smallish penises and it is not true for those with an extra inch or two. Only a person with a normal or slightly under normal size wiener will ever utter that stupid sentence. While it is true that the “normal” sized condom can be applied to a slightly larger penis with a decent amount of force, time and effort, it is not the sort of exertion needed to keep the boner happy. Besides when it is not a complete fit it can curl up or it breaks easier. This I told the pharmacists that did not really look happy and then I remember a newspaper story about how Indian males apparently have problems with normal condoms because the condoms are too big. I kind of put on a smirk smile at this memory and it was almost as the man in front of me could read my mind because he developed the thousand yard stare and in a condescending tone again told me that “one size fits all”. I was a millisecond from taking out my schloong to show the guy but I stopped myself thinking it might get ugly and ending up at the police station with this problem is not such a good idea. I slowly backed away muttering some excuse.

After this incident I was walking around for a while searching for a sex store and checking the street for potential hookers that should know a thing or two an Indian pharmacists does not. No luck, so I went in to another store in town called island. Again ended up with a female clerk. This one not wearing a bell around her neck and probably only had one stomach. She told me they only had one variety which she showed me. I told her my problem which gave her almost the same look as the Indian guy but with a more subtle glare which I first interpreted as desire. However I soon realized watching her check around and staring at me looking like she was searching for something that she thought she was getting fooled and that I was wearing a camera. I sighed, shock my head and went home adding another thing to my list of what is stupid and ridiculous about living in the UK.

Just so you all know, I do not have a giant trunk in my pants, it is just slightly longer and wider than normal size and I really feel for you guys out there with an real enormous apparatus because if I have these problems, what do not you guys have?