Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The toilet that God forgot – jobs worse than prostitution

As I said in the previous entry, I’m looking for jobs much worse than prostitution. And here is a tale about that thing you never ever want to see or even hear about.

Many years ago I was an active politician and one day we were going to have a meeting. I as chairman together with my trusty side-kick and vice chairman arrived early at our local hangout to put out snacks and prepare the meeting. I needed to go to the toilet but stopped in the doorway.

We hadn’t been at this place for a couple of weeks and I had forgotten that the toilet was broken, you couldn’t flush. But some smart kids had figured out that they could do their business anyways as long as they didn’t flush. So in a nice little pile to the top there were number ones and number two’s neatly packed together. And then some underage teen, that we had sold homebrewed vodka to, had puked all over the place and made an attempt to cover it up with more paper. Okay, it didn’t look to horrific and the smell wasn’t as bad as you might think but it was not pleasurable. So I thought, stupid as I am, that I’m going to be a man about this and try to clean it up. I went into the kitchen, got me rubber gloves and a couple of long thingies and a bucket. My blond little side-kick asked me what I was doing so I told her and went to work, well for about 4sec anyways. The moment I touched this pile that threatened to overwhelm the toilet it bursted into the most petrifying smells you can ever imagine. And the bundle of things in there started to come alive going around in a hypnotic circle of human waste and something else I can only describe as “otherworldly”. This is the only time in my life I ever felt religious. Because only something unholy made by nightmarish bests in the deepest caves of hell could have made that in front of me. The devil himself couldn’t have come up with something more disgusting. I throw myself out of there gasping for air, half hulking and very much panicked. That blond vice-chairwoman looked patronizing at me and pulled her hair back. She was going to show me how it is done. She had worked at an old folks home for years and had seen and picked it all up. She was cooler than me. And to be fair, she lasted longer than me, about 4-5sec longer. We then decided to make an executive decision; after all it was tax money. So we called in a guy to fix it for us and even if even he looked a bit puzzled and got a bit white around the edges, he did it fast and efficiently. And when I asked him if he ever seen anything like it, he said yes. I didn’t know then and I don’t know now if I should feel very impressed by this man or think he is a complete idiot. But one thing is for sure, a prostitute cannot have a worse job than him.

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