Why children are a nuisance

I’ve never understood the thing with children. What’s so fun about a little costly crap-machine that never lets you do the stuff you could do if you hadn’t such annoying hang-around with you all the time?

Babies are sleep-thieving aliens. Toddlers are noise-and-break-stuff machines. Children are precocious annoyances, and you can’t tell them vulgar jokes. And teenagers… well, I didn’t even like them when I was one. And even grown-up children can be too much, wanting money, being in need of a place to hide from the police or having children of their own they want you to love and play with.

Theoretically, I like kids on a case-by-case basis. My sister have four boys, pressing out one every year as it seems. They appear to be kind of cute too, and they are, at least within the timeframe of minutes. I’ve also meet a couple of cuties that are so adorable that even a cynical man-loathing lesser demon as myself melt, at least for the seconds the little thing keeps quiet.

There are, however, two things that bug me more than anything else comes to annoying little brats.

Firstly they are not so cute and adorable as their parents always claim. Most kids are ugly, unsymmetrical bastards that never let you sleep or go about your business. Nothing cute about it. And adorable? Why? Is it because of the diapers filled with droppings? The drooling? The constant barfing?

Secondly I never really understood why anyone wants to subject their offspring, and consequently themselves, to the horrors of this world. And I’m not talking about the made-up rings of pedophiles our media sees everywhere or the death-trap that is our own homes, no, I mean life in general is a stupid, arduous road paved with taxation, warfare, pestilence, vaccines, heart-breaks and Hilary Clinton. I don’t care who you are, rich, poor, male, female, or whatever the age, you will, just as the rest of us, experience the wonders of sickness, abductions, rapes, muggings, car-crashes, obese hamburger-munching idiots at McDonald’s, as well as all the rest of life’s little mishaps. And if those things weren’t enough you can rest assure that government will take care of the rest through wars, fictitious terrorist-threats and oppressive laws.

Why does anyone want to create something that is so precious and then spend the rest of their lives wondering how that ‘thing’ will coop with the hardship and despair of everyday life? I’m having a hard time believing parents can sleep at night. At any given moment a burglar, rapist, teacher or social-worker can show up and do despicable things to your little offspring. And the reality is that you can’t really protect them either, they need to make their own mistakes, fall into the same trap as you did and discover the truth of things. You can’t really tell them, you can’t protect them, because if you do they will just despise you and regard you as a stuffy old grump that knows nothing of love or life.

Is it a biological thing that we all inhere via our chromosomes and ancestors? Or is it the only way we have of reaching some level of immortality? Maybe we want something to play with and dress up like we want them to look, a sort of Barbie we can form and learn so they fulfill some dream we ourselves had. Whatever the reason, the very thought of having something so valuable that’s created out of exchange of bodily fluids fills make me very uneasy. Generally I just try to avoid any contact with the younger species, which, of course, mean that most, if not all of them, like me. They cannot even get a hint, that’s how uselessly stupid they are.

So, do I want children? Well, the answer, you may think, is obvious, but it’s really not. Above may be ranting, but it’s also the truth, which any decently thinking and knowing person would acknowledge. However, making babies (which is fun, at least sometimes…) and having them around isn’t about rational thinking as much as an imperative existing within most, if not all of us. Sadly I need to fess up and proclaim that I wouldn’t be a stranger to the idea, but on the other hand any litter needs a feline for the procreating process to work, don’t have one of those, don’t really like those. Females are a real nuisance and worse yet, they know they are, at least children are pretty oblivious. As long as I stay away from the ladies the children issue has no bearing anyway, so this post is pretty useless in itself. Yeah, go away now, I’ll think of something better to write about.